Udder Craziness

Stepping over the edge

2006-01-25T07:37:00.000-08:00

Who wants the truth. Most of us do! Let's not side step the real issues here people!

Tell the truth, because one day it'll come out. If you tell it now, you can save some of your dignity. If you try to hide it and it inevitably comes out, shame on you! There will be no sympathy.

*Note* this is to ALL of us who have lied. Let's just be honest here people! Life is too short to fabricate and be such asses!

2005-12-03T05:56:00.000-08:00

You know what. I don't even think boyfriend/girlfriend with me and you. To me it goes way beyond that. It goes way deeper than that. It goes straight to the heart.

Untrusting

2005-12-03T05:26:00.000-08:00

Trust has always been a big issue for me. I started off with my Dad leaving my mom for another woman to my mom marrying a guy who tried to kill her and verbally and mentally fucked me. Then I went from that to a stepdad who tried to molest me to a first love who mentally and physically abused me. From there I went to a second love who mentally and physically abused me to another relationship where I only let the fucker put his hands on me one time. Every one of those people suggested or even said that it was MY fault.

I'm not sure if the trust issue stems from all that or if it is just everyone I've ever loved has cheated on me and hurt me in some form or fashion.

The burning question is how can I let all that go and trust. I've been told that it's as easy as giving someone the benefit of the doubt. If it was that easy I would do it.

My lack of trust for someone isn't because i want it to be that way because believe me it's a lot less fun for me than it is for you. My lack of trust is my protection for my heart. When you've been hurt time and time and time and time again, the heart only naturally builds a self defense mechanism. Mine is to question all things that could potentially hurt my heart. Is it the right thing to do? NO. But how is someone supposed to forget all that has happened and start with a clean slate. Does it suck that I question the one I love? Absolutely. I'm not perfect by any means and you soooooo aren't. Why do you have to harp on this one thing. Harping doesn't help. Guidance and understanding go a long way! To help my heart you must be patient. Know that I try EVERY day to make every second the most special you've ever had. Know that I would do anything in my power to never see you hurt. Why can't those things be looked at and not the just that I don't trust you. I don't not trust you, I don't trust anyone.

I wish I could, I don't know how! I do know that lying to me is not the way to ease this restraint around my heart. If anything, it has given it a tighter grasp.

I laid in bed last night and I felt so sad. When we laugh ourselves to sleep, i never think "Well I bet he cheated on me today". When you come home and smile at me with that beautiful smile of yours I never think "Well he cheated on me today". YOu think this is something that is a daily basis and it is not. HOwever, i'm damn proud of how much better my heart has become. I'm damn proud of who I am after ALL i've been through. I'm damn proud that I was able to walk away from what I've been through and actually still be capable of love.

My heart, as fragile and untrusting as it is, is yours. It has been from the moment you played that song for me. It has been ever since you wrapped me tight in your embrace. It has been ever since you've made me feel safe. There are so many things that I appreciate about you that I rarely ever harp on the negative. Can't you do the same. Lend me a hand and guide me into this scary world of an unprotected heart. You have that power, are you willing to except that responsibility?

2005-11-20T14:07:00.000-08:00

The leaves are mostly gone. That makes me sad.

hi

2005-11-09T19:37:00.000-08:00

2005-11-07T16:18:00.000-08:00

=

2005-11-07T15:49:00.000-08:00

So. I know i'm not even in the backseat anymore. I'm like trailing along behind the car on a make-shift sled. I really should update more often! THANKS, b.

Work. Hard as hell, must remember to change morning coffee to "sparks".

Home. Lots of leaves. Acorn tree makes walking on a ice skating rink. Scared I will lose balance and bust my as..

Play. It is harvest time!

So. That sums it all up for me. I do miss posting, i have seriously zero time to blog at my new job. My old job was like getting to ride your most favorite, kick ass roller coaster TWICE in a row without having to get off b/c it's getting dark compared to this new one!

Mental note. Amy you really must quit being such a whiny ass and imposing your "bad days" on everyone. They all have their own days. Yours is really important to you, not so much to others. It's o.k.

Happy Friday

2005-10-21T12:25:00.000-07:00

Get on outta here

2005-10-11T13:45:00.000-07:00

I ran for 15 minutes today! I've been running for 10 minutes a day, but I jumped right up to 15 minutes. That was half the time of my workout. I'm super happy about that!

I'm going to lose that weight i talked about in my previous post. You just WAIT!

Took these this weekend :)

2005-10-05T04:47:00.000-07:00

Getting EXCITED

2005-09-29T07:14:00.000-07:00

I'm going to be skinny. JUST WAIT. I'll post result pics too :)

Some shots :)

2005-09-21T16:38:00.000-07:00

Hellooo Sun

2005-09-21T16:34:00.000-07:00

One of the many things I *heart*!

Random

2005-09-05T20:47:00.000-07:00

Come check out some random photos i took. :)

I'll post again soon. PROMISE!

For all the right reasons

2005-08-18T17:28:00.000-07:00

The job has slacked up a bit. I get the work done really fast and then sit there thinking 'oh shit I have nothing to do' then the boredom creeps in and the minutes are sooo slow.

I've been thinking a lot about what I want out of my life. What I want is not what I do. Sure I could quite possibly live a lucrative life and climb up the corporate ladder because I have that kind of drive when I give 110%. I have faith in almost everything I do. The only thing I lack faith in is love.

But I want to be a photographer. I want to live this one life that I have with the most potential and heart stopping moments. I want so much laughter and soo many tears that they could fill a whole football stadium. I love tears because they help me grow they cleanse me in a way. I feel so fortunate to have the ability to pick up myself, dust myself off and move on. So many people have that fear and I would share that with the world because to have that is to have control over your own destiny. Noone else can bring you down unless you chose for them to. When it's over you pick up, move on, and remember that everything is a learning process. Those moments of pain are worth so much when it is all said and done. And I can take THAT from all those tears and smile so freely.

I want my photographs to be something that someone looks at and they feel that emotion that I tried to capture. The way the sun felt the day that I took that picture. The way the wind smelled when I took that picture. The way that person was so imensly happy that they could just burst. I want my pictures to tell a story and to bring insightfulness and a place of warmth and comfort when they are looked at by the viewer.

I have to just keep telling myself that. I'm doing this for a reason and that reason is for EXACTLY what I just listed above. Missing time away from my boyfriend when I'm at school is hard for me. I know I see him on a regular basis but he is my place of warmth and comfort and I don't like anything standing in the way of that. I still smile from ear to ear everyday when he walks into the door. I still hate to get out of bed in the mornings because laying in bed with him IS my favorite past time. We have the most important and personal conversations in the bed. Those times are so special to me, but I have got to think past that and remember that school is for a bigger and better thing, the time I'm away now will only bring me closer to my destiny.

I can't wait :)

2005-08-18T17:25:00.000-07:00

My life sometimes feels like it's in slow motion, but as the weeks pass I look back and think to myself on a regular basis "Wow, and that was just a blink of an eye"

2005-08-18T17:19:00.000-07:00

God, I forgot how much I miss and love my friend Tay!

Weekend Update Numero Uno

2005-07-09T13:36:00.000-07:00

So much has happened over the last two weeks. I've just currently started a new job. It has been single handedly the hardest job I've ever had. I'm not doing much that is physical aside from running back and forth all over the building, but still, at the end of the day, I'm more exhausted than I have ever been. Every day when i leave work i feel like I've just woken up from a night filled w/ lots and lots of alcohol. You know the nights when you swallow your own vomit and keep right on going, THAT my friend is how I feel after I've left work every day this week. So tonight, I'm gonna let the fuck loose! I haven't had a girls night in a while and I'm going to take full advantage of being with my own kind! We, me and my friends, have what you call a slight drinking problem. In other words we BINGE drink and Oh my god it is so fucking fun. Just to laugh and have a fucking blast with these people who mean so damn much to you. So much that you would do anything for any of them, even if your best friend just said something awful to you, if someone, ANYONE messes with them (outside of each other) then there is never a moments hesitation. We are all right there ready to Throw Down (B Rizzle). Yes I have a friend named B Rizzle. The only nickname that I've ever know to stick around as long as this one has would be somewhere on up there with like "Air Jordan". B Rizzle she's Epic!

O.k. I'll admit it, i've just eaten the best cornbread I've ever had and this shit is just flowing out like butta (butter for all of you uncool people). I kid, I kid.

So back to my job, Hard! But even though I leave everyday not knowing whether to wind my butt or scratch my watch (Shout out to Beth) I still feel such a sense of pride. I feel so prideful when I leave that job in the afternoons because I know I've given them 110% and nothing less! And if you know anything about my previous job then you will know that I'm used to only giving about, well... close to about 60% (and that's on a curve).

I have missed reading everyones blog and I've missed ya'll so much on Messenger but damn I would'nt even have time to talk. And I'm much to paranoid to try to download that shit myself. I know ya'll are all miserably said because you don't have anyone anymore to bug the shit out of you. I was good at that (remember 60%). But i do miss you all, but hopefully this will only make my girls lust for me even more (Emily :P).

That's all. I'll try to update every weekend. So all 5 of you that read, please be patient and God Speed.

To the most beautiful woman I know... Happy Birthday

2005-06-24T13:29:00.000-07:00

The phone is ringing. My mom isn't picking it up. I was hoping to reach her on her cell phone and not her work phone because today is her 52nd birthday and she was really hoping to leave early today. I could not think of a more deserving person.

My mom was my first love. I clung to her like stink on poo. She was, and in so many ways still is, my rock. I'd pay a million dollars to see her smile. I'd throw myself in front of a bus for her to never shed another tear (thank goodness she's not a big cryer). This woman, angel, is the most important person in my life. She gave me strength, kindness, will, desire, stubborness, and the list goes on and on.

Happy Birthday Momma! I love you so much!

I didn't know

2005-06-17T07:21:00.000-07:00

I'm so oblivious to what is happening outside the safety of my "bubble". I'm safe at night and sometimes I forget to lock my front door. I always have something to eat, but often complain that the canned food and frozen food isn't what I WANT. I always have money to pay my bills. I rest my head at night on a soft bed and pillow. I have all my needs taken care of. I can't say I have all of my wants, but that is something I live with.

Last night I watched Hotel Rwanda. This was such a wake up call for the larger "bubble" that I live in called the United States of America. The Genocide the occurred in Rwanda ended in July 1994 (800,000 people {women, men, and children} were killed in the span of 3 months). I was a freshman in high school in 1994, old enough to recognize such devastation, yet I have zero recollection of this event. You better believe that if this were to happen in OUR "Bubble" it would have made world headlines. Not that Rwanda's Genocide didn't, just it wasn't drilled in. There was a quote from the movie that said "Americans will think 'That is terrible', then go right on eating their dinner" because if it doesn't directly effect us, it's usually soon forgotten. I don't want to forget, how could I. I wish I'd have known. I wish I could have helped. The UN wasn't even allowed to pull their weapons. And these people of Rwanda, they handled that with such dignity. I would have been screaming from the rooftops "WHERE IS OUR HELP. WHO IS GOING TO HELP US". Because that is what we, Americans, have come to expect. You and I could have just as easily been born into a world with far less protection.

While I was researching the genocide I found that not only did such horrible things happen in 1994, but it is happening again in Dafur right now, as we speak. Once again, I did not have any idea. I watch news on a regular basis, I'm not going to say that I totally stay tuned into CNN or MSNBC but i watch enough to have known about the total devastation that going on, right this very minute. It saddens me deeply that I complain about such insignificant things, when i'm safe and warm and have a roof over my head and food in my stomach. I want to help. I want all of you to help. At the very least, go to the links above and see what I'm talking about!

Didn't "Get Milk"

2005-06-15T07:22:00.000-07:00

I love milk. I love milk so much that I drink it everyday. This morning I made an unusual stop at McDonalds for a breakfast sandwich and (2) two Milk Jugs (very small and I like milk). FORTUNATELY before I drove off, I checked the date on the top of the Jugs. They expired on June 12th. GROSS fucking GROSS. This is the second time I've gotten BAD milk from the Joelton, Tennessee McDonalds (the first time I took a drink and realized it was bad).

So I pull over, and take my jugs back in and ask for them to toss them and to please give me a non-expired milk. They searched and ALL of them were expired. Instead of offering me my money back AND throwing away ALL the bad, gross milk, she (the cashier and manager) said, "Sorry they are all dated July 12th." .... "O.k. so... o.k.... well just give me a diet coke."

To some people this may not be a very big deal, but I will not eat/drink ANYTHING past the due date. It makes me totally freaked out. I never puke, so this may very well be why. Plus it is such bad customer service to give out bad milk. It shouldn't be my damn responsibility to look at the date before I drink YOUR product.

don't know why

2005-06-14T07:27:00.000-07:00

Why do good people do bad things?

Why do bad people do good things?

Why do I worry so much?

Why can't I trust? I know, it is because ALL of you took my heart and treated it with such disregard. You abused it, kicked it, ripped it out, spat on it, and left it for dead. I was the one who was ALWAYS left to pick up the bloody remains and try to piece it back together. That pisses me off because it should have been YOU. I should have looked YOU, all of you, square in the face and said GO TO HELL YOU PIECE OF SHIT MOTHERFUCKER. It won't happen again. I won't be left empty and cold anymore. Why did I ever let it get to that point. WHY DID I. In a deep dark hole that is inescapable, not by your brain but by your heart. And really which do we listen to first.

I'm not bitter because you "got me", you had the "upper hand". I'm mad because you treated me like dirt and NOW, NOW i know i'm not. NOW I wish I could fuck all of your faces up. BECAUSE I am, as of today, as of yesterday, a force to be reckoned with. I'm mad because you've left such deep scars that it effects my life today. Why did you have to be so mean! I didn't deserve it! and I hate you for that!

I hate you for not trying to teach me the things I needed to be taught. YOU couldn't see the pain in my eyes. YOU couldn't see I needed guidance. I was reaching out to you and you only hurt me. YOU not only hurt me but you hurt the people I cared about the most. I wasn't old enough to find a gun, thank god, because I would have killed you. I hate that you made me cry. I hate that you made me worry so much that I would feel ill. Who were you and why did you have to come into MY life? The anger you caused me is so deep, but the pain you caused me is FAR FAR WORSE.

I want to trust, and move on. There is something that I, even now, can't grab on to and repair. I want to know what to do. I want to move past these issues. I want to give everything to YOU that YOU deserve because YOU baby, YOU deserve my full trust. I'm working on healing. Thank you for your support and all of your love. Thank you so much for your patience. I love YOU unconditionally because YOU respect my heart and that is ALL I'VE EVER WANTED.

Glutton For Punishment

2005-06-10T06:19:00.000-07:00

I feel like shit, shaken not stirred.

What I want to do before I die

2005-06-08T06:41:00.000-07:00

I was slightly (o.k. whatever) intoxicated last night and told myself I was going to write so many entries on my blog. This one, however, is the only one I can remember:

Ride a horse, bare-back, through an open field while holding on to nothing but its mane at very high speeds, while the wind blows through my hair (shhhh Jack and Emmy)
Visit Europe and take so many pictures of it's beauty that I couldn't possibly stand to take one more picture, then take another roll
Go on vacation to a spa (preferably a health spa but I'll take ANY spa)
Visit our Nation's Capital
Do significant volunteer work
Explore a "vocal" career
Have a rocking body, and know it
Go to a bed and breakfast
Own at least one horse
Ride the tallest, fastest rollercoaster in the world
Eat the best bar-b-que in the south (I'm hungry today, otherwise this might not have made my list)
Be able to do 10 consecutive (correct) push ups
Grow a Garden
Have a job that I love (soooooo important)
Visit Vegas and sit in on a high limit hand (all or nothing BABY) and hopefully win :P
Visit Hollywood
Switch to Verizon
Be carried over the threshhold
Go on a cruise
GO TO FREAKING DISNEY WORLD
Own my own business

There are more, i'll update when I can think straight, have hangover, must eat, and hopefully sleep!

Good Morning World

2005-06-03T06:36:00.000-07:00

Congrat's to me I woke up on the right side of the bed!

I just got to thinking about when I graduated High School, I sent out Thank you cards for all of my gifts and in each card i wrote congradulations (i'm not sure how that worked out). I totally spelled it wrong in my HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION thank you cards.

I didn't start to get more educated until after high school. My high school days were filled w/ whether or not my boyfriend was going to leave me, cheat on me, hurt my feelings, etc. I was totally consumed and TOTALLY stupid in love with him. Waste of time? No. I learned more from that relationship than I could have in any algebra class.

I would say the number one thing I learned from, lets just call him the asshole bitch, is that I AM important. I am so much more important than being ran over and abused! I have self worth, I am pretty, I deserve so much! He didn't think so. His loss! Now he has 3 kids, one one on the way, he is on 8 years probation because he beat up and kidnapped one of his ex-girlfriends and the last thing I heard, he tried to commit suicide. I can't say I blame him!

I'm not bitter :) I am as HAPPY AS I CAN BE that I got out of that mess. I've had my heart broken a few more times since then, but each time it happened I became stronger and stronger. I didn't take rejection as a downward spiral. I took it as a new beginning. I really am not sure where all my strength comes from, but it would be safe to say that it is probably from fear that I would get back into another shitty ass relationship!

Being an optimist is something that I am so thankful for. Each day brings me new hope. Each morning brings a new smile across my face. Each sunset leaves me feeling whole.