To the most beautiful woman I know... Happy Birthday

The phone is ringing. My mom isn't picking it up. I was hoping to reach her on her cell phone and not her work phone because today is her 52nd birthday and she was really hoping to leave early today. I could not think of a more deserving person.

My mom was my first love. I clung to her like stink on poo. She was, and in so many ways still is, my rock. I'd pay a million dollars to see her smile. I'd throw myself in front of a bus for her to never shed another tear (thank goodness she's not a big cryer). This woman, angel, is the most important person in my life. She gave me strength, kindness, will, desire, stubborness, and the list goes on and on.

Happy Birthday Momma! I love you so much!

I didn't know

I'm so oblivious to what is happening outside the safety of my "bubble". I'm safe at night and sometimes I forget to lock my front door. I always have something to eat, but often complain that the canned food and frozen food isn't what I WANT. I always have money to pay my bills. I rest my head at night on a soft bed and pillow. I have all my needs taken care of. I can't say I have all of my wants, but that is something I live with.

Last night I watched Hotel Rwanda. This was such a wake up call for the larger "bubble" that I live in called the United States of America. The Genocide the occurred in Rwanda ended in July 1994 (800,000 people {women, men, and children} were killed in the span of 3 months). I was a freshman in high school in 1994, old enough to recognize such devastation, yet I have zero recollection of this event. You better believe that if this were to happen in OUR "Bubble" it would have made world headlines. Not that Rwanda's Genocide didn't, just it wasn't drilled in. There was a quote from the movie that said "Americans will think 'That is terrible', then go right on eating their dinner" because if it doesn't directly effect us, it's usually soon forgotten. I don't want to forget, how could I. I wish I'd have known. I wish I could have helped. The UN wasn't even allowed to pull their weapons. And these people of Rwanda, they handled that with such dignity. I would have been screaming from the rooftops "WHERE IS OUR HELP. WHO IS GOING TO HELP US". Because that is what we, Americans, have come to expect. You and I could have just as easily been born into a world with far less protection.

While I was researching the genocide I found that not only did such horrible things happen in 1994, but it is happening again in Dafur right now, as we speak. Once again, I did not have any idea. I watch news on a regular basis, I'm not going to say that I totally stay tuned into CNN or MSNBC but i watch enough to have known about the total devastation that going on, right this very minute. It saddens me deeply that I complain about such insignificant things, when i'm safe and warm and have a roof over my head and food in my stomach. I want to help. I want all of you to help. At the very least, go to the links above and see what I'm talking about!

Didn't "Get Milk"

I love milk. I love milk so much that I drink it everyday. This morning I made an unusual stop at McDonalds for a breakfast sandwich and (2) two Milk Jugs (very small and I like milk). FORTUNATELY before I drove off, I checked the date on the top of the Jugs. They expired on June 12th. GROSS fucking GROSS. This is the second time I've gotten BAD milk from the Joelton, Tennessee McDonalds (the first time I took a drink and realized it was bad).

So I pull over, and take my jugs back in and ask for them to toss them and to please give me a non-expired milk. They searched and ALL of them were expired. Instead of offering me my money back AND throwing away ALL the bad, gross milk, she (the cashier and manager) said, "Sorry they are all dated July 12th." .... "O.k. so... o.k.... well just give me a diet coke."

To some people this may not be a very big deal, but I will not eat/drink ANYTHING past the due date. It makes me totally freaked out. I never puke, so this may very well be why. Plus it is such bad customer service to give out bad milk. It shouldn't be my damn responsibility to look at the date before I drink YOUR product.

don't know why

Why do good people do bad things?

Why do bad people do good things?

Why do I worry so much?

Why can't I trust? I know, it is because ALL of you took my heart and treated it with such disregard. You abused it, kicked it, ripped it out, spat on it, and left it for dead. I was the one who was ALWAYS left to pick up the bloody remains and try to piece it back together. That pisses me off because it should have been YOU. I should have looked YOU, all of you, square in the face and said GO TO HELL YOU PIECE OF SHIT MOTHERFUCKER. It won't happen again. I won't be left empty and cold anymore. Why did I ever let it get to that point. WHY DID I. In a deep dark hole that is inescapable, not by your brain but by your heart. And really which do we listen to first.

I'm not bitter because you "got me", you had the "upper hand". I'm mad because you treated me like dirt and NOW, NOW i know i'm not. NOW I wish I could fuck all of your faces up. BECAUSE I am, as of today, as of yesterday, a force to be reckoned with. I'm mad because you've left such deep scars that it effects my life today. Why did you have to be so mean! I didn't deserve it! and I hate you for that!

I hate you for not trying to teach me the things I needed to be taught. YOU couldn't see the pain in my eyes. YOU couldn't see I needed guidance. I was reaching out to you and you only hurt me. YOU not only hurt me but you hurt the people I cared about the most. I wasn't old enough to find a gun, thank god, because I would have killed you. I hate that you made me cry. I hate that you made me worry so much that I would feel ill. Who were you and why did you have to come into MY life? The anger you caused me is so deep, but the pain you caused me is FAR FAR WORSE.

I want to trust, and move on. There is something that I, even now, can't grab on to and repair. I want to know what to do. I want to move past these issues. I want to give everything to YOU that YOU deserve because YOU baby, YOU deserve my full trust. I'm working on healing. Thank you for your support and all of your love. Thank you so much for your patience. I love YOU unconditionally because YOU respect my heart and that is ALL I'VE EVER WANTED.

Glutton For Punishment

I feel like shit, shaken not stirred.

What I want to do before I die

I was slightly (o.k. whatever) intoxicated last night and told myself I was going to write so many entries on my blog. This one, however, is the only one I can remember:

• Ride a horse, bare-back, through an open field while holding on to nothing but its mane at very high speeds, while the wind blows through my hair (shhhh Jack and Emmy)
• Visit Europe and take so many pictures of it's beauty that I couldn't possibly stand to take one more picture, then take another roll
• Go on vacation to a spa (preferably a health spa but I'll take ANY spa)
• Visit our Nation's Capital
• Do significant volunteer work
• Explore a "vocal" career
• Have a rocking body, and know it
• Go to a bed and breakfast
• Own at least one horse
• Ride the tallest, fastest rollercoaster in the world
• Eat the best bar-b-que in the south (I'm hungry today, otherwise this might not have made my list)
• Be able to do 10 consecutive (correct) push ups
• Grow a Garden
• Have a job that I love (soooooo important)
• Visit Vegas and sit in on a high limit hand (all or nothing BABY) and hopefully win :P
• Visit Hollywood
• Switch to Verizon
• Be carried over the threshhold
• Go on a cruise
• GO TO FREAKING DISNEY WORLD
• Own my own business

There are more, i'll update when I can think straight, have hangover, must eat, and hopefully sleep!

Good Morning World

Congrat's to me I woke up on the right side of the bed!

I just got to thinking about when I graduated High School, I sent out Thank you cards for all of my gifts and in each card i wrote congradulations (i'm not sure how that worked out). I totally spelled it wrong in my HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION thank you cards.

I didn't start to get more educated until after high school. My high school days were filled w/ whether or not my boyfriend was going to leave me, cheat on me, hurt my feelings, etc. I was totally consumed and TOTALLY stupid in love with him. Waste of time? No. I learned more from that relationship than I could have in any algebra class.

I would say the number one thing I learned from, lets just call him the asshole bitch, is that I AM important. I am so much more important than being ran over and abused! I have self worth, I am pretty, I deserve so much! He didn't think so. His loss! Now he has 3 kids, one one on the way, he is on 8 years probation because he beat up and kidnapped one of his ex-girlfriends and the last thing I heard, he tried to commit suicide. I can't say I blame him!

I'm not bitter :) I am as HAPPY AS I CAN BE that I got out of that mess. I've had my heart broken a few more times since then, but each time it happened I became stronger and stronger. I didn't take rejection as a downward spiral. I took it as a new beginning. I really am not sure where all my strength comes from, but it would be safe to say that it is probably from fear that I would get back into another shitty ass relationship!

Being an optimist is something that I am so thankful for. Each day brings me new hope. Each morning brings a new smile across my face. Each sunset leaves me feeling whole.

I'm a little better now. Although, I spilled a liter of water all over my gym clothes BEFORE i went to the gym, WHILE I was at work. I salvaged what I could (only my pants that were salvagable and they looked like I had peed myself). However, I found one of Jack's shirts in the trunk (cute one too baby, bet you didn't even know it was gone) and worked out in a wrinkly ass mens polo shirt and a pair of pants that made me look like I had bladder control problems.

I'm making it. Asked the boss if I could leave early (considering I've been doing 2 peoples job for a week and a 1/2 now) but i got shot down, figures!

Beer, i think a cold beer would be good right now! Or anything that will make me not think about this Funk i'm in.

And BTW, it happens every month. and EVERY month I'm like "DAMN I'm a bitch" but really my hormones are playing tennis with each other and it's making me CRAZY!

Days like today I want to go back to bed, sleep a few more hours, wake up, and get out of bed on the 'right' side.

I'm sick of my job. I wouldn't be sad if they walked in here and fired me today. i'm sure I'd stress about money, but to be free from this place would be justification enough for me.

I've got a slight headache, i wanna punch a motherfucker in the face, and i'm sleepy as fuck!

Any suggestions on how to get out of this FUNK i'm in would NOT be appreciated! Because we all know that when we are in a funk that we don't need some optimistic mofo in our grills telling us that their glass is always half full, well i spilled my glass this morning and didn't get a refill asshole!

Warning

Don't lie to me!

If I ask you something, be honest! Don't fucking lie to me or I start to lose it!

Also, don't accuse me. Don't accuse me of doing something I didn't do!

I don't like getting the shaft when there isn't any good reason for me not to! I've always been a good person, who kept secrets when it was necessary. I've never been one to run my mouth when I wasn't supposed to (no more than ANYBODY ELSE). So don't lie to me!