Untrusting

Trust has always been a big issue for me. I started off with my Dad leaving my mom for another woman to my mom marrying a guy who tried to kill her and verbally and mentally fucked me. Then I went from that to a stepdad who tried to molest me to a first love who mentally and physically abused me. From there I went to a second love who mentally and physically abused me to another relationship where I only let the fucker put his hands on me one time. Every one of those people suggested or even said that it was MY fault.

I'm not sure if the trust issue stems from all that or if it is just everyone I've ever loved has cheated on me and hurt me in some form or fashion.

The burning question is how can I let all that go and trust. I've been told that it's as easy as giving someone the benefit of the doubt. If it was that easy I would do it.

My lack of trust for someone isn't because i want it to be that way because believe me it's a lot less fun for me than it is for you. My lack of trust is my protection for my heart. When you've been hurt time and time and time and time again, the heart only naturally builds a self defense mechanism. Mine is to question all things that could potentially hurt my heart. Is it the right thing to do? NO. But how is someone supposed to forget all that has happened and start with a clean slate. Does it suck that I question the one I love? Absolutely. I'm not perfect by any means and you soooooo aren't. Why do you have to harp on this one thing. Harping doesn't help. Guidance and understanding go a long way! To help my heart you must be patient. Know that I try EVERY day to make every second the most special you've ever had. Know that I would do anything in my power to never see you hurt. Why can't those things be looked at and not the just that I don't trust you. I don't not trust you, I don't trust anyone.

I wish I could, I don't know how! I do know that lying to me is not the way to ease this restraint around my heart. If anything, it has given it a tighter grasp.

I laid in bed last night and I felt so sad. When we laugh ourselves to sleep, i never think "Well I bet he cheated on me today". When you come home and smile at me with that beautiful smile of yours I never think "Well he cheated on me today". YOu think this is something that is a daily basis and it is not. HOwever, i'm damn proud of how much better my heart has become. I'm damn proud of who I am after ALL i've been through. I'm damn proud that I was able to walk away from what I've been through and actually still be capable of love.

My heart, as fragile and untrusting as it is, is yours. It has been from the moment you played that song for me. It has been ever since you wrapped me tight in your embrace. It has been ever since you've made me feel safe. There are so many things that I appreciate about you that I rarely ever harp on the negative. Can't you do the same. Lend me a hand and guide me into this scary world of an unprotected heart. You have that power, are you willing to except that responsibility?